


Too Much, But Not Enough

by Catclaw



Series: Dirty Little Secret [15]
Category: FAKE (Manga)
Genre: M/M, Spoilers for FAKE 4&5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-14
Updated: 2007-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-18 06:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/876896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catclaw/pseuds/Catclaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the 'secrets' in the All American Rejects' video for their song Dirty Little Secret.<br/>This secret: I love you so much, but I can't tell you.<br/>Can be (and in fact should be) read as a stand alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much, But Not Enough

Ryo stared at Dee’s unconscious body, looking so incredibly vulnerable against the stark white of the hospital sheets. The detective had been at home when the apartment next to his had exploded, as it turned out there he had been living next to a drug lab and had never even realised.

The nurses said that talking to him would help, and though Ryo doubted that fact, at this point, he was willing to try anything. Grasping Dee’s hand, he took a deep breath and began to talk to him, admitting his deepest secret.

“I love you so much but I can’t tell you. Do you have any idea what it would mean if I admitted it to you? It was hard enough being that honest with myself. It’s a part of myself that I’ve denied for so long, repressed so well, that my reactions to you surprise even myself.

“If I’m honest, it was never something that I wanted, especially when I decided to join the police force, knowing their less than positive outlook on things like that. And I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried, even got close to marrying at one time. Though, in the end, I knew it for the lie that it was and called it off.

“With you everything is different. I find myself reacting to your kisses as no other, pulling you closer instead of pushing you away as I know I should. I fear our relationship almost as much as I desire it.

“I think I knew that I was beginning to fall for you when you charged headfirst into Bikky’s school and left me outside, waiting and praying. It wasn’t your actions that lead me to think that, no, I hadn’t fallen due to your incredibly stupid heroics, but rather I knew thanks to my own reactions. My terrible fear that I would never see you again, that I wouldn’t hear your laugh or see your eyes sparkle in mischief or darken in anger.

“I meant it when I said that I never wanted to feel like this again, helpless and afraid. But, today proves that I will, though I already knew that it would happen and often, you don’t have our jobs and not have the risk of death in the name of duty and that scares me even more. I’ve never even thought about something like this happening, that you could end up like this and it not be work related. I’m terrified of losing you and perhaps if I can convince myself that I don’t love you, if I never say it aloud, confirming it for the universe, then maybe it won’t hurt as much if I lose you.

“It was when I saw you standing behind Leo, gun to his head, that I knew that I was, without a doubt, in love with you. You were willing to risk everything for me, your career and your freedom so that I didn’t have to. More than that, you were willing to kill for me.

“You tell me you love me so often, the words fall so easily from your lips and I find myself wishing that I could do the same, but I’m not like you. You’re so free and open with your emotions and you don’t care who knows. I yearn to tell you how I feel, but I can’t ever seem to force the words past my lips.

“God Dee, I love you so much.”

He sighed, resting his head against the hand in his, pressing a gentle kiss to the knuckles as he prayed for the other man to regain consciousness.

**Author's Note:**

> If the cause of Dee's accident seems familiar to you, that's because I completely ripped off The Sentinel :D


End file.
